My Precious: ‘Ring Of Fire’ Glowing Resin Rings

My Precious: 'Ring Of Fire' Glowing Resin Rings

These are several shots of the ‘Ring Of Fire’ resin rings produced by Etsy shop Apollo’s Rings. The $60 finger candy is made with two different types of glow powder that, after being exposed to a UV light source like the sun, make them appear to glow like molten lava. Obviously, you could easily trick Gollum into a volcano with one of these. “But why would I?” What do you mean why would you?  He’s a little creeper — you don’t want him hanging around eating all your fish and speaking in that Parseltongue.

Well That Was Lovely: Cellist Performs Willy Wonka’s ‘Pure Imagination’

Well That Was Lovely: Cellist Performs Willy Wonka's 'Pure Imagination'

This is a video of cellist Brendan Finucane performing Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory’s ‘Pure Imagination’ as part of a socially distanced celebration of the recent eighth grade graduates from the Chicago Waldorf School. And, at least based on the end of his one index finger, it appears Brendan may have also performed with a garbage disposal recently.

Finally, A Decent Inflatable Coffin Beverage Cooler

Finally, A Decent Inflatable Coffin Beverage Cooler

This is the Inflatable Coffin Beverage Cooler available on Amazon for around $19. The 4’6″ x 22″ inflatable looks like a pool float but it’s not — it’s a beverage cooler and can hold approximately sixty 12-ounce cold ones and a bunch of ice. Alternatively, fill it up with red-dyed jungle juice and call it blood punch. Vampires will be so pissed when they try it and it’s not real blood! And that’s when you stake them in the heart.

A Bedside Lamp You Rest A Book On To Make A Little House

A Bedside Lamp You Rest A Book On To Make A Little House

This is the Book Rest Lamp designed by SUCK UK. It costs around $40 and looks like the houses you used to draw in kindergarten, with an angled roofline to rest a book on top of. Obviously, I’m into it, but you know how I feel about whimsy. “You’d marry it if you could.” And have a fairy garden themed wedding where all the guests had to dress as their favorite animal. Of course this lamp probably works best if you’re currently in the middle of a book. If you’re stuck in the prologue, your roof is probably gonna slide right off.  And if there’s a nudie magazine on top instead of a book, GET OUT OF MY ROOM.

You Animal: Man Eats Whole Hot Dog Without Chewing

You Animal: Man Eats Whole Hot Dog Without Chewing

This is a very short video of a bear dressed as a human and swallowing a hotdog without even chewing it. In the videographer’s own words while I run out for a package of tubed a$$holes and elbows and try this myself in the bathroom where my girlfriend cant’t judge me:

“During a BBQ with friends, this gentleman mentioned he could eat a hot dog in one bite. The rest is history.”

One bite? That was ZERO bites. You think this guy is training for the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest? “Or an adult film career.” Hey now! You think this man bathes in hotdog water? That’s always been a dream of mine. The closest I’ve ever come though was the time I was staying at a five-star hotel and I asked the concierge if he could make that happen (adding a wink and a crisp Lincoln afterwards) and then my keycard stopped working.

$74,500: Boston Dynamics’ Spot Robot Now Available For Sale

$74,500: Boston Dynamics' Spot Robot Now Available For Sale

Because who doesn’t have $74,500 burning a hole in their pocket and Veruca Salt for a child demanding a robotic pet dog, Boston Dynamics has announced their Spot robot is now available for sale (it was previously only available for lease). The ‘explorer’ version of Spot is shipping now and comes ‘ready to go right out of the box’, which is probably a relief for those who were afraid it may have to be assembled like a LEGO set with no instructions. Thankfully, my buddy Closet Nerd offered to go 1/74,500ths with me, so now we just need 74,498 other people to go in with us and you too will have the opportunity to play with Spot *crunching the numbers* one day every 204 years.

Thanks to Closet Nerd, who agrees the end is nigh. So, so nigh.