Seen here looking like a man who was recently groomed by a tornado, this is a video from ‘extreme storm chaser’Aaron Jayjack of a tornado touching down in Scarth, Manitoba, Canada. Pretty cool footage, but shouldn’t he have filmed himself riding it to Oz? I mean can he even confidently call himself an ‘extreme storm chaser’ since he didn’t? *shaking head* Now I really hate to do this, but all in favor of revoking Aaron’s extreme storm chasing title say ‘Aye’.

In precious moments news, this is a short video of a group of baby ducks running across the lily pads in a pond. Such sweet, sweet little angels aren’t they? It’s crazy to think that when I took a trip to the pond when I was like five their great-great-great-great-great grandparents pecked my butt cheeks until they bruised trying to steal all my bread at once and my mom had to scoop me up and make a run for the car while I cried my eyes out.

oh to be a baby duck running on lily pads pic.twitter.com/CiTKnst6hP

— 𝓈𝒶𝓎𝓃𝒶 (@OCEANGlRL) July 28, 2020

The is a video from the folks at Youtuber channel The Hackensmith of a NERF gun that’s been modified to scream like Bane the infamous screaming gun from Borderlands 2. The gun makes different sounds when powered on, fired, reloaded, or shaken. They also added a variety of different sound modes including the traditional Bane sounds from Borderlands 2, Portal turret, cats, seductive lady, Face McShooty (also from Borderlands 2), a few of the guys from The Hackensmith channel, Bob Ross, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Samuel L. Jackson, dubstep, John Wick, Sylvester Stallone, Eminem, Snoop Dogg, and regular dogs. Which was your favorite? I thought they were all pretty good, but I really just want a gun that will tell me it loves me. “I thought that’s what seductively lady mode is for.” Well based on the look of that guy, I’m pretty sure it’s for masturbating.

Keep going for the video, but skip to 7:00 for the demo of all the modes (in the order listed above). I also included a reference video of Bane from Borderlands 2 for reference.

This is the ~$13 ‘Running Behind’ condiment bottle topper created by Sir Perky. It screws on to a variety of standard threaded bottle tops and makes it look like a little person is pooping out whatever is in the bottle. REAL MATURE. It also comes with a tiny butt plug to stop the flow so nothing accidentally leaks out when you don’t want it to. Speaking of– “Just end the article there.” But honey! “I’m afraid I’ll think less of you if you don’t.” Fine — fine. Just for the record I already threw the underwear away though, just don’t go digging too deep in the kitchen trash.

Move over sandcastles, because with Toysmith’s Bag O’ Beach Bones Playset (~$26 on Amazon) now you’ll be able to mold FULL-SIZE SKELETAL REMAINS on the beach with its 14 individual bone-shaped pieces. Honestly, I was a little skeptical about the product’s quality at first, but after I saw the 5-star average Amazon review, I knew there was no way 78 serial killers could be wrong. *drop-kicking enemy skull into woods* Get yours today!

This is a video captured by a tenant in Lawrenceville, Georgia, who “woke up from a dead sleep to a loud noise coming from downstairs to find this. I took the video so our property manager could see what was going on.” Wait — property manager? First of all, I have never rented a place that had a fancy refrigerator with an ice cube maker and water dispenser in the door. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever rented a place with a refrigerator that was manufactured after the Eisenhower administration. Secondly, the ice maker in the fridge I have now (that fell off the back off a truck, *wink*) only makes and holds like twelve cubes — this thing just keeps spitting htem out like it has a pipeline directly to the North Pole. I’m half surprised it didn’t start spitting out wooden toys or one of Santa’s elves.