This is a short video of an extreme scooter (scooterer?) launching out of a half-pipe and performing some sort of crazy spinning trick. Peppy Hare is probably impressed, but not as much so as if it had been a barrel roll. Dude doesn’t land it the first time, but the second time — I could taste the victory. *licking lips* Tastes like sweat and Gatorade. Which, FUN FACT: is the same as what after sex tastes like, occasionally accompanied by a sandwich made while your legs felt like Jell-O and you were half-worried you’d collapse on the kitchen floor. Well, I think that finally proves it — I have had sex before.

This is a video of a samurai sword performer demonstrating his sword swinging skills along with numerous different resheathing tricks. Which one was your favorite? I think mine was the one at the end of the short performance starting at 0:30. You know, I wish my mom would give me back my samurai sword but noooooo, you leave it unsheathed on the stairs one time and all of a sudden you’re racing to the ER in the middle of the night in your PJ’s with a sandwich bag of your dad’s toes.

This is a video of a raccoon using its freaky little humanlike hands to steal cat food from underneath a deck while two kittens eat. Those little hands are nuts. FUN FACT: Did you know that, contrary to what so-called “scientists” would have you believe, raccoons are actually human’s closest relatives? I mean there’s no way you can look at a raccoon’s hands and their desire to stay up all night eating garbage and not agree.

Remember Pokemon Go grandpa? Of course you do, THE MAN IS A LEGEND. And now he’s upgraded his 45-smartphone rig from last year to this 72-phone peacock-looking mammer jammer. That is a lot of Pokemon Go. That’s so much Pokemon Go it may have actually moved into the realm of Pokemon Went. Did he cut that frame out of an old satellite antennae? How much do you think all those phones are worth? And what happened to the top row, was he robbed? How is he supposed to catch ’em all with only 64 active phones? What is this, amateur hour? You’re gonna miss a ton of Bulbasaurs!

Thanks to my buddy Closet Nerd, who’s no amateur himself when it comes to catching ’em all. I’ve seen it firsthand.

This is a video of water loving German Shepsky Elliot climbing the ladder to his family’s above-ground pool to swim a couple quick laps before getting out and presumably trying to pretend like nothing happened even though he’s soaking wet. That’s like my dog trying to pretend like she wasn’t just eating cat turds out of the litter box even though her breath smells like cat turds and she’s got kitty litter stuck all over her like hair on a dropped lollipop. *keeping at arm’s length* No — no kissies.

These are the custom resin Pokemon keycaps crafted and sold by Etsy shop DBaiRshop. They’re compatible with Cherry MX switches, come in Pikachu, Charmander, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur varieties, and, unfortunately for anyone who wants them but wasn’t born with a silver USB drive in their mouth, cost $45 apiece. Like, per key. So if you want all four that’s a cool $180, or, in layman’s prices, you’ve got to be kidding me. I just told my dad and he spit root beer out his nose.

Thanks to my buddy Closet Nerd, who agrees F1 through F4 never looked so sweet. Or expensive.