Because who can resist a photo with a tasteful nude, a 50-year old Austrian man was recently identified after he laid on the 1804 plaster cast model of Paolina Bnaparte by Antonio Canova at the Gipsoteca Museum in Possagno, Italy, and broke three toes off the statue in the process, making a hasty exit afterwards before security realized what happened. Some more details while I let out a sigh of relief at least it wasn’t a tit:

Coronavirus measures mean that all museum visitors must leave their personal information for eventual contact tracing in the event that an outbreak is tied to a museum visit. This is how the man was identified.

When police contacted a woman who signed in on behalf of herself and her husband, she burst into tears and admitted her husband was the toe breaker, according to a press release from Treviso Carabinieri.

The husband, who was also upset, then confessed and repented for the “stupid move,” according to the release.

Man, you’re 50-years old — that’s way too old to be laying on pieces of art at the museum. That is jackass behavior. Besides, everybody knows the key to taking pictures with tasteful nudes is using PERSPECTIVE to make it appear you’re touching the statue. What is this, amateur hour? I mean have you even been a chaperone on a school field trip?

Keep going for a closeup of the statue, which looks like its a mosquito magnet.

Thanks to my dad, who agrees it’s called look but don’t touch, and certainly don’t lay on.

This is a video of Minnesotan dentist Christopher Dens setting the unofficial world record for tallest stilts worn while waterskiing, with some 11-footers. There’s also a compilation video of all the fails it took while practicing to finally achieve the feat. Cool, but he should have made some custom jeans to cover the stilts so it looks like he has really long legs. Speaking of long legs — spiders. “What about them?” They have long legs. Plus some species of cellar spiders can live in a human rectum for up to a week. “Wait, what?!” Haha, I’m just messing with you. “Thank God.” Two weeks.

Because where there’s a will, there’s a way, Kobe University ecologist Shinji Sugiura has discovered a species of water beetle (Regimbartia attenuata) that, when eaten by a pond frog (Pelophylax nigromaculatus), will actually crawl through the frog’s intestinal tract and emerge from its anus, no worse for wear minus being covered in shit. Some more info while I ponder whether I’d be willing to make the journey, or ready to just call it a life:

Dang — one beetle made the Keister Run in only six minutes? Clearly that beetle did not like the smell of frog guts. Or was already late for a date. Sorry I’m late, I just had to– you know what? *spreading napkin in lap* That’s a story for another day. *date pukes from smell* I had to crawl through a frog’s anus to get here, okay?!

This is a video of five time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Katie Ledecky swimming a lap while balancing a glass of chocolate milk on her head to participate in the TikTok Got Milk? challenge, and not the WTF World Do We Live In? challenge like you might have expected. Her technique — smooth as silk. Of course what would have happened if she had spilled that milk and contaminated the pool? I mean that’s a lot of diluted chocolate milk to drink, and I’m only one man.

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A post shared by Katie Ledecky (@katieledecky) on Aug 3, 2020 at 9:53am PDT

Thanks to Kathy L, who agrees not using that snorkel to blow bubbles in the chocolate milk afterwards was a huge missed opportunity.

This is a video of Shen Xiaoshi of China setting the Guinness World Record for most bowling balls stacked vertically, successfully balancing ten balls on top of each other before the tower collapses when he tried to add an eleventh. I think I speak for everyone here when I say Shen has clearly taken bowling to a whole new plane of athleticism. The poise, the focus, the, wait — why does that record lady have a stopwatch? What does a stopwatch have to do with this? You either stack the balls or you don’t, I didn’t think there was a time element. “Here *digging through box of props* take this and look at it worriedly whenever you’re in frame,” I imagine a producer telling her.

Thanks to Paul, who agrees there is talent, then there is whatever this guy has, which is actually beyond talent and borders on supernatural gift.

In fake, the shadows are all wrong news, this is a video of a modern assassin from Assassin’s Creed effortlessly jumping across a bunch of tall, narrow stone pillars in a park. For reference, I wouldn’t have even been able to climb the first one to get started. And, if by some act of God (e.g. tornado) I was able to get up there, I would almost certainly die of starvation on top of it, missing every single sandwich thrown to me by my girlfriend, partly because I’m terrified of losing my balance and falling off trying to catch it, and partly because she’s a terrible throw.

What prevents you from doing this? pic.twitter.com/fpYtKMo5ei

— The Car Plug (@Gitz__) July 31, 2020