In mature news, a giant Moana faux topiary recently unveiled at Disney’s EPCOT theme park in Florida looks like it has a wiener (pic pulled directly from their Instagram so you know it wasn’t edited). The topiary, part of the upcoming Moana Journey Of Water attraction being built at the park, has an outstretched finger that looks just a little too much like a peepee for me to look at it and not think that’s definitely a sad unit. Will they remove the flaccid finger? Only time will tell. But if they do, hopefully not before I can get a picture riding it like a mechanical bull.

Thanks to Julie, who agrees Disney sneaking wieners into its movies is practically tradition now.

Because important scientific experiments take many different forms, this is a video of Youtuber HaerteRest packing a toilet bowl (and every other hole he could find) full with over 1,000 sparklers, then taking the toilet to the great outdoors to see what will happen when they’re all lit. SPOILER: it shatters the toilet with more than twice the force of even the most explosive diarrhea. Impressive. So, the next time you’re thinking about eating a bunch of sparklers, think again!

Because the internet never stops revolving like a carrousel you’ve been trying to get off for years now, this is a video edit of Tony Soprano replacing Kratos in God Of War by Youtuber eli_handle_b․wav (previously: Ace Ventura in The Witcher III: Wild Hunt and Cyberpunk 2077). You know (and I’m sure care deeply), I really wanted to replay this game before starting the new Ragnarök, but, unfortunately, haven’t been able to find the time. Life, you know? “What about it?” It keeps getting in the way of video games, and I don’t like it.

This is a short video of a man at some family fun center mistaking the padded floor of a basketball court for a trampoline, wrecking his back and knees in the process. Or maybe he just did it for the LOLs. Whatever the case, he just took twenty years off the useful life of those knees, and at least an inch off his height. That is unfortunate. I actually fractured my patella (knee cap) in a bicycle accident years ago, and there’s still a sliver of bone floating around in there. Now I can’t kneel at church and maybe that’s why God hates me so much.

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On a recent visit to South Africa’s Monkeyland sanctuary, Lisa Bosman and family had to duck under a swinging gibbon as it made its way along a rope bridge. That must have been quite the experience. But more importantly, did you see the buns on that ape?! Those are the kind of buns I want. Instead, my butt looks like somebody vacuum sealed leftover cottage cheese. My girlfriend says it’s a great butt, but she also said she loved what I got her for Christmas last year but still hasn’t taken it out of the packaging, so clearly she has no problem lying.

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Thanks to JustA, who agrees if you’re not coming in hot, why bother coming in at all?

Built by inventive digital clock creator Hans Andersson, the Time Twister 5 is a digital time display that rotates its Rubik’s Cube (or Rubik’s Triangular Prism in this case) style pieces to change the time. Would I be proud to display this in my living room? Yes. Of course I’d be even prouder if I was so rich it didn’t matter what time it was. That’s the real dream. The closest I’ve ever come is being unemployed.

Skip to 1:10 to see the big change from 9:59 to 10:00.