Presumably as part of its tryouts for the Ninja Turtles, this is a video of Tommy the tortoise inspecting a line of shoes (including a black shoe with white tape on one side) before making his way around to the other side of the line and specifically headbutting the black shoe. Why does it only attack the black shoe? Your guess is as good as mine, but I suspect it involves the Foot Clan. Or maybe — MAYBE — the hare was wearing a similar model during their infamous race. “Haha, I wore Keds and still won!” I imagine Tommy taunting the shoe before slowly losing interest and looking for some lettuce to snack on.

This is some cool footage of a wingsuiter soaring through the ‘Sputnik Crack’ located in the Appenzell Alps near Walenstadt, Switzerland. The crack is a canyon that formed over the side of a cliff that a wingsuiter can drop into and fly through provided they don’t smack a wall and die like I would have. “Best hug ever,” I imagine the canyon wall thinking to itself while vultures feast on my penis below for weeks afterward.

Presumably rehearsing for their gig at the next Illuminati gala, this is a video of a robbed figure wearing a mask demonstrating their very impressive object manipulation skills with two enormous nipple piercings. Just imagine the size of the boobs on the giant those must have come from! “I don’t know, they look more like penis piercings to me.” Zoinks!

Because there’s nothing more invigorating than the wind in your hair, the smell of nature, and a tree smacking you in the face, this is a video of mountain biker Rémy Métailler tackling the Love Ya Man (LYM — how I end all text conversations with my bros) trail at Kicking Horse Bike Park in Golden, British Columbia. It features a lot of elevated wooden bridges to ride (or in my case, fall off of) while barreling down the mountain. It looks fun, and I would totally ride that with my friends, probably squeaking my brakes the entire time. “LYM.” LYRBB!

This is a video of multidimensional movement artist iamnirvana777 performing a spinal wave dance from a forearm stand. So fluid — the amount of strength and muscle control that must involve! You know, I have dreams at night that I’m really good at walking on my hands and I can walk anywhere like that without any effort. Then I wake up and twist my ankle getting out of bed as a reminder of just how vastly different my dream life is from reality. At least I still have all my teeth.

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This is a video of prop maker Daniel Lupien of Youtube channel DaBuild creating a replica of the grenade launcher from Bioshock, one of the best games ever made. And let me tell you, I put that grenade launcher to good use too. Maybe not as good use as I did the crossbow’s trap bolts, but I would set up a whole line of those electrifying wires like rungs on a ladder, then taunt a Big Daddy to come at me and he’d run through them all, just to fall dead right at my feet. Good times, great oldies.