This is a video report from a news agency (BBC) that attacks the hard-hitting stories just like I do, reporting about a baby seal that broke into the home of a New Zealand marine biologist (“Study me!” I imagine the seal thinking) via a cat door, raising heck (even harassing resident cat Coco until it retreated to a neighbor’s home) and hanging out on the sofa until it was politely escorted out. As far as news goes, this is the only sort of story I really care to watch or read about, everything else is just depressing. They say ignorance is bliss, and I aim to live in ecstasy as a moron.

For a taste of classic internet, this is a video of spirited Italian Youtuber Milleaccendini’s ‘world record’ Coke + Mentos + Nutella in a condom chemical reaction. I’m not sure what world record he believed he was setting here, but I assume it was related to overexcitement and/or yelling. Now I’d like to think that this man’s energy pepped me up this Monday morning to get a jump start on the week, but honestly it just reminded me how tired and unenergetic I really am. I could use a nap. “It’s 8AM.” I could just go back to bed.

Presumably made as an accurate simulation of driving through some of the potholes around here, this is a video of a variety of different vehicles attempting to speed across a giant rectangular pit in the road. Some fare much better than others. Others don’t fare well at all, which makes sense because cars weren’t designed to navigate giant pits to hell in the middle of the road. Well, except my car, which is actually a jetpack. Want a ride to the beer store? Well I can’t give you one, your legs would catch fire.

This is a video of a father performing a routine he choreographed to a Tom & Jerry cartoon in which Jerry is invisible, so it looks like the dad is performing all his actions. He does a fantastic job. If I were that kid I would definitely be convinced my dad is magic. Shoot, I’m not that kid and I’m still not convinced he isn’t. His timing was too good.

Thanks again to my dad, who taught me everything I know about the detachable thumb trick. That’s why I’m the best at it.

Because friendships are hard and you often have to choose sides, this is a video of a small pack of dogs rolling up on a gate to bark at the dog who lives there, when one of them jumps through the gate and starts barking at its own crew. Some loyalty! For reference, my dogs would sell me out for the smallest treat. Not even a treat, but anything that remotely looks like a treat, like a leaf or piece of cardboard. They’re loyal only to their own stomachs. If I died in my apartment they’d have already started eating me the day before, no question.

Thanks to my dad, who agrees dogs are crazy.

This is a video of if-not-already then soon-to-be government watchlister QUINT Builds constructing and demonstrating his knife throwing gun. The gun throws knives like a human (flipping them instead of shooting them straight like a bullet), and uses an infrared laser to calculate target distance and create a throwing solution to accurately stab the target. Impressive! In the video he successfully sticks 10 knives in a row between two targets of different distances. Obviously, I need one of these. Now I know you’re not supposed to bring a knife to a gunfight, but what about a knife throwing gun? I’ll be back as a ghost with the answer!