Note: Volume on, overdub is value-add.

This is a video from TikTok user jamieleeclitoris (real mature!), featuring footage he was able to secure from the public transit authority or Big Brother or whoever is in charge of stuff like this featuring him eating shit multiple times running to catch a bus. Well, if you could call that running. He appears to first trip over absolutely nothing before ever-so-slowly getting back to his feet and boarding on the bus, quickly realizing he dropped his unlucky penny (or lost a tooth) during the first fall, and goes back to retrieve it, collapsing again and hitting his head against the side of the bus. Damn! So, if you ever think you’re having a bad day, just remember ol’ jamieleeclitoris here — he can’t even ride the bus without risking almost certain death. Thank God he doesn’t drive or we’d probably all be goners.

@jamieleeclitoris don’t let this flop like i did 🥵🥵 (yes i’m concussed) #fyp #foryoupage #viral #funny #raisedby #comedy #publictransportation #wlw #lgbtq ♬ original sound – gachashadow785

Thanks to JustA, who agrees some people just aren’t cut out for moving at all.

This is a video of a woman presumably auditioning for my traveling circus by simultaneously spinning hula hoops on pretty much every body part possible (including hair bun), without them all hitting each other and ruining the act. Now that’s impressive. And she makes it all look so effortless too. Me? I tried spinning a single hula hoop on my arm and it flew off, hit the lion (actually my roommate in a lion costume because my circus doesn’t use real animals), causing it to attack, landing me in the hospital with some critical bite and scratch wounds. Needless to say, it was our most well-reviewed show yet we’re going to do it again next month!

Presumably to celebrate Mar10 Day yesterday, speedrunner FURiOUS (aka Matheus Furtado of Brazil) successfully completed Super Mario World in a scant 41.022 seconds, using the 0 Exit method (aka Credits Warp), which involves making a bunch of exact moves to trigger arbitrary code executions in the game, causing it warp to the end credits. If you’re into this and want to read detailed explanations of what’s happening and how it works you can check out much more information HERE and HERE. If you don’t care about that you can just watch the video. And if you really don’t care, you can not watch the video, and go get me a soda. “I thought you gave up soda for Lent.” I decided to give up caring about anything instead.

Fastest completion of Super Mario World (0 Exit) – 41.022 sec

Record holder @furious_ said the hardest part was placing Yoshi in the right spot to spit out the red shells 🐢 #Mar10 pic.twitter.com/zwOQd94CM7

— Guinness World Records (@GWR) March 10, 2022

This is a surprisingly worthwhile video of a very impressive Hot Wheels track built with a waterpark theme, complete with waterfalls and sections where the car is actually floating like it’s in a log flume ride. Did I hold my hands up the whole time, even for the big drop at the end? You bet your soaking wet ass I did, I’m a tough guy. “He curled up into a ball and tried to spoon as deep into my cubby as he could.” Honey! “What?” I have a reputation to uphold here. “Most of these people think you’re a wimp and a liar.” But for the one person who doesn’t — that’s the person I write for. I bet it’s my mom.

This is a computer simulation of a pallet of wood being dropped on a car to visually compare the effect of gravity on different planets in our solar system. Is it accurate? Hell if I know. It was fun to watch though. And if it is accurate, I actually learned a lot by watching it. Mostly, that somebody should really hire Uranus to crush cars at the junkyard.

Keep going for the video, which ends with the sun, which looks like it would be hard to stand on.

This is a video of an unknown ‘Arena Fighting’ MMA fighter delivering a bouquet of flowers alongside a failed head kick to his opponent during a pre-fight press conference. Why? Who knows, maybe he’s already taken one too many blows to his own head and thought this was the fight. Or maybe he’s roid-raging. Or maybe his opponent is dating his mom and left a bunch of condom wrappers littered around the house — the possibilities are practically endless.

#popMMA pic.twitter.com/3FK5wxD0lF

— Matysek (@Matysek88) March 9, 2022