This is a video of the biochemist behind Youtube channel NileRed Shorts (previously: dissolving a penny in nitric acid) discussing why white phosphorus is so dangerous, in a very watchable 50 seconds. So, why is white phosphorus so dangerous? Because it reacts with oxygen and likes to GET LIT and STAY LIT. Kind of reminds me of myself.
This is a shot of very dapper 4-year old Noah Bryant eating one of the 918 SpongeBob popsicles he accidentally ordered using his mother Jennifer’s Amazon account. Noah managed to order 54 cases of the fruit punch and cotton candy (with gumball eyeball) flavored treats, totaling $2,618.85. That’s $2.85 a popsicle! Even my local ice cream man only charges $2.50. Unfortunately for 37-year old Jennifer, who’s currently pursuing a master’s degree in social work from NYU, the popsicles were nonrefundable and she didn’t have $2,618 in her emergency ice cream fund. Thankfully for Jennifer, a GoFundMe set up to to help her recoup her losses has already collected more than $10,000 in donations, everything over the Amazon bill she says will go to Noah’s education and the additional support he needs living with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). So, a happy ending. Now Noah — if you need any help with those popsicles, look no further than yours truly. I can even bring over a case each of Ninja Turtle and Sonic The Hedgehog head popsicles and we can really go nuts.
This is a short video of a man attempting to unclog a sink drain with One Second Plumber. For those of you unfamiliar with the modern marvel of technology that is One Second Plumber, it’s basically a mixture of compressed gases that expand rapidly when they come in contact with water, blasting a stubborn clog through the pipe. Or, in this case, splattering disgusting mold water all over your bathroom and arm. It did work though, plus I bet it smelled fantastic.
This is a video of Ohio District 19 (which has never won the Hunger Games) state senator Andrew Brenner attending an Ohio Controlling Board Zoom meeting while driving. He starts the meeting parked, but then switches his background to a shot of his home office and starts driving. The horrible superimposing gives it away. Plus, you know, the seatbelt. Aaaaand the fact he’e obviously driving. Did I mention Ohio lawmakers had introduced a distracted driving bill JUST HOURS BEFORE, with the intention of banning motorists from using any electronic device for non-navigational purposes while driving? Because they did do that. And while I’m sure Andrew probably applauds himself for being a multi-tasker, if this is any example of the quality of his decision making and I lived in Ohio’s District 19, I’d be demanding a recount/public tar-and-feathering right about now.
This is a video of a group of turtles trying to stay atop a log as it constantly rotates back and forth due to them all moving to compensate because it is constantly rotating back and forth. “Dammit, I was just trying to catch some rays!” I imagine Michelangelo exclaiming before bailing off the log and returning to the Ninja Turtle’s sewer hideout to order pizza and smoke weed and prank call April at Channel 6 News.
This is a sweet video of a father earning superhero status with his young children (well at least one, another asks what just happened) as they watch him help a stranger out of a ditch by pulling the back of their Nissan Rogue to the ground so they can drive out. Not to brag or anything, but my children also think I’m a superhero. “You’re talking about your dogs.” I am. “Because you can reach their food bin on top of the refrigerator.” Well I do tell them I’m using superpowers when I do it.
Keep going for the video, but be careful because I’m pretty sure that one kid coughing just got me sick.