Because this is the internet, and the internet sleeps with both eyes open, muttering under its breath, this is a 30-second supercut of Star Trek characters pronouncing omicron, almost as if they knew decades ago that it would be the name of a new pandemic virus variant. Or maybe just because it’s the fifteenth letter of the Greek alphabet and sounds futuristic. Whatever the case, it’s only a matter of time until upsilon, iota, and psi variants emerge and Star Trek has to teach us how to pronounce those too.

Because this dog wants to make it quite clear who’s a good boy, this is a video of a German Shepherd looking dog figuring out how to stack and pick up four tires in a single bite. Impressive! I could almost see the gears turning in his head as he figured it out. For reference, I can’t even pick up a single tire with multiple bites, but I can fit an entire pack of Sour Patch Kids AND Reese’s Pieces in my mouth at once. See? “Maybe take them out of the plastic next time?” I’m saving them for a movie later.

Proving you don’t have to be mature to own a home (only fiscally responsible), this is a shot of a Eugene, Oregon home’s ‘JESUS LE TITS NOW’ holiday decorating. You would have a hard time arguing this was done by accident, and you would still lose. I assume it’s a reference to the SNL Jeopardy sketch (embedded below) where Sean Connery misreads all the clue categories, including ‘LET IT SNOW’ as ‘LE TITS NOW’. Regardless, there’s no doubt in my mind this landed the homeowner right on Santa’s naughty list, which, based on their message, is right where they like to be.

Thanks to my dad, who knows a good tip when he sends one, and it doesn’t get much better than le tits now.

Note: No screencap could really do this monster justice, just give it a watch.

This is an amazing to watch video of a 1,300-pound pumpkin being grown from seed. The amount of leaves it takes and how fast they’re produced in order to grow that pumpkin is amazing. The grower says that towards the end the pumpkin was gaining over a foot and a half in diameter and 37 pounds a day! That’s like me on Thanksgiving or Christmas. “But without clogging all the toilets in your house.” Haha, not my house.

This is some footage from a gymnasium security camera at Liberty Benton Middle School in Ohio of custodian Joe Orians casually sinking an over-the-shoulder half-court shot with nothing but net like they grow on trees and it’s harvest season. Sure, it’s a middle school sized court, but still, I couldn’t make that. I can’t even dribble. One time I tried to dribble and the ball bounced off my foot and into the road and I got hit my a car retrieving it. My mom said it was an accident, but we made eye contact.

Keep going for the video, which was pulled from the security camera by the school principal after Joe had told him what he’d accomplished.

Our custodian is better than yours. Just casually walking through the gym with no one watching but the security camera. Trick shot, nothing but net. @espn @DudePerfect #WeAreLB pic.twitter.com/uxkDKJhG8S

— Kyle Leatherman (@leathermank) February 4, 2021

Thanks to my dad, who agrees it’s how you behave when you think nobody else is watching that really shows your character.

Because what is the internet if not a human-powered Matrix to deliver an unending supply of cat videos to those who chose the blue pill, this is a video of a kitten enjoying a face full of humidifier mist. Hey — you’ve gotta stay moisturized. Just this morning my girlfriend told me how dry and cracked my hands are, like I didn’t already know. Not only are they attached to me, but I stare at them all the time trying to think of stupid words to type in these boxes. I told her you know there’s a good reason why the phrase ‘know something like the back of your hands’ exists. Then she asked what that reason was and I was dumbfounded. I really could have used you there for backup.