This is a short video demonstration of a pyrotechnic stage rig built by the appropriately named ER Productions for British rock band Bring Me The Horizon. Pfft, go get the horizon yourself, I just got comfortable. The rig has 28 individually controllable nozzles that can shoot flames in pre-programmed sequences. Awesome, now the only thing missing is me jumping a motorized scooter right through the middle of them and not crashing into the pool of alligators below. Either way though, it’s going to be a children’s birthday party to remember.

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This is a clip from the BBC Earth/PBS series Big Pacific of David Attenborough narrating the efforts of a male white-spotted puffer fish as it creates an intricate mandala in the sand to attract a mate. The puffer works tirelessly with its fins 24 hours a day for a week to create the piece, which, if successfully in attracting a lady, will also serve as a nest for their eggs. Wow! For reference, when I want to attract a mate I put on the least wrinkled of the polo shirts draped over the chair in my bedroom, spritz myself with a knockoff of Armani’s Acqua Di Gio, and hit the bar with a ton of astronaut stories.

Because nothing brings a family together like answering questions about their sex lives in front of each other (Thanksgiving, am I right?), this is a clip from Family Feud in which contestants were asked to name the sport that most resembles their lovemaking style. Everyone struggles with an answer, presumably because they were too embarrassed to just come right out and say curling. Me? I make love like a chess match played on the hood of a jalopy during a demolition derby. It did not make the list.

This is a video of McDonald’s franchise owner Stephen Patula wearing a headcam to document his restaurant’s switch from breakfast to lunch service. He does a lot of stuff. Not shown? Me yelling I should still be able to get a sausage egg and cheese biscuit at 10:35AM. I just woke up, I’m still wearing pajamas, it should be breakfast! “Maybe you should wake up earlier.” Maybe you should stay out of this, old man!

Not unlike the skywriting planes that use a similar technique to create strips of letters, maker of things Ryder Damen went and modded his truck to spray jets of water to print letters on the ground as he drives around like a giant dot-matrix printer. That’s cool. I want mine to spell EAT MY RUBBER. But instead of water it’ll be spelled in gasoline AND LIT ON FIRE. Hoho *rubbing hands together excitedly* I know what I’m doing this weekend! “Low speed chase, getting arrested again.” There’s no question.

Thanks to my dad, who agrees anything to prevent idiots from tailgating.

The same reason anybody else dances: because they’re wasted. Or you can read this recently published long-winded academic paper detailing the physics involved in dancing beer nuts. Basically, as the beer degasses the bubbles adhere to the nuts, lifting them to the surface, the bubbles pop, and the nuts sink again until enough bubbles carry them foamward again. Basically exactly what you already thought. So yeah, you were correct. Not unlike how you thought that screencap looked like a sports stadium bathroom.