Kayaking Down A 60-Foot Arctic Waterfall

Kayaking Down A 60-Foot Arctic Waterfall

In I don’t ever want to be that cold news, this is a video of Red Bull kayaker Aniol Serrasolses dropping down a 60-foot glacial waterfall in the Arctic Circle near Svalbard, Norway. It takes Aniol over seven hours of hiking to get into position for the 2 second ride down. For reference, if that was a line at an amusement park I would NOT be riding that coaster. “I’ll just have another funnel cake instead,” I imagine telling myself while wiping some of the vomit from the previous funnel cake off my shirt.

Deep Sea Squid With Bioluminescent ‘Headlights’ On Arms Spotted By Submersible

Deep Sea Squid With Bioluminescent 'Headlights' On Arms Spotted By Submersible

Scientists from The University of Western Australia and Kelpie Geosciences in the UK have captured footage of a rarely seen Dana octopus squid, which features giant bioluminescent headlights on two of its arms. The photophores are some of the largest in the world — about the size of lemons. Damn! The animal, which is in fact a squid despite its confusing name, is also one of the largest species, with a mantle reaching up to 5.5-feet, and weighing up to 350-pounds. Double damn! The photophores have a black membrane covering them which allow the squid to “blink” their headlights at will, presumably to stun and confuse prey, as seen in the video when it attacks the camera. But maybe the headlights also serve another, more sensual purpose. “You’re talking about lighting up its mate’s boobs for honking.” Squids don’t have boobs! But yes that’s exactly what I was thinking.

Solar Orbiter Provides Closest Yet Video Of The Sun’s Corona

Solar Orbiter Provides Closest Yet Video Of The Sun's Corona

Captured by the European Space Agency’s Solar Orbiter, this is a closer-than-ever-before video of the sun’s outer corona, highlighting some of its features. My corona? It has a lime wedge in it. A beautiful video though, isn’t it? It makes the sun look so warm and inviting, like it would be a great place for a picnic. Then I remember it’s actually an insane 3,600,000°F burning ball of plasma, and the only people who should picnic there are my enemies, which they totally should. Or if that’s too far to take a flying f*¢k to I heard hell is also quite nice this time of year.

City Makes Man Build Fence To Hide Boat, He Has Realistic Replica Of Boat Painted On Fence

City Makes Man Build Fence To Hide Boat, He Has Realistic Replica Of Boat Painted On Fence

Artist Hanif Panni’s neighbor got a letter from the city of Seaside, California, stating he had to build a fence to hide his boat from view from the street. So what did he do? What anybody who hates local government would: asked Hanif to paint a reproduction of the now partially hidden boat ON the fence. Damn the man, that’s the message here. It’s a good message too, not like the sticky note I just found on the fridge saying we’re out of milk, AFTER I already poured a bowl of Cookie Crisp. I can’t eat them dry! Not a whole bowl anyways. Oh who am I kidding.

Taking Ball-Less Golf Swings In Garage Still Goes Horribly Wrong

Taking Ball-Less Golf Swings In Garage Still Goes Horribly Wrong

This is a video of a golfer taking a ball-less practice swing in his garage when he accidentally breaks the club head off and sends it through a neighbor’s car window. That sucks. I mean he was doing everything right, and things still went wrong. Story of my life! I mean minus the doing the everything right part. Or anything right, really.

LEGO Releasing 3-Foot Tall Eye Of Sauron Tower Build Set

LEGO Releasing 3-Foot Tall Eye Of Sauron Tower Build Set

Dropping June 4th, the LEGO Lord of the Rings: Barad-dûr build set contains 5,471 pieces, which, if assembled correctly according to the instructions, result in a 35.2″ tall recreation of Sauron’s dark fortress, complete with Eye Of Sauron on top. If not assembled correctly, you may end up with a sprawling 8″ angular turd. The set includes five interior rooms, as well as Frodo, Sam, Gollum, Gothmog, Sauron, Mouth of Sauron, and several orc minifigs. The Eye Of Sauron is battery operated and lights up, and the set costs $460. *spit-takes elf blood* $460?! I don’t have that kind of money! “Not with how much you spend on elf blood.” Hey — how many other 800-year old warlocks are there with skin this soft? Because the very few others that I know look like a mummy’s butthole.