This is the ~$13 ‘Running Behind’ condiment bottle topper created by Sir Perky. It screws on to a variety of standard threaded bottle tops and makes it look like a little person is pooping out whatever is in the bottle. REAL MATURE. It also comes with a tiny butt plug

this is the Toilet Timer ($15 on Amazon), a five-minute sand hourglass style timer to remind you that you’ve already done enough scrolling on Instagram, it’s time to wipe and get off the pot. Me? I don’t get up until both my legs are painfully numb and I have to