Great, now I want a chili dog.
Real Products That Exist: The ‘Running Behind’ Condiment Bottle Topper

This is the ~$13 ‘Running Behind’ condiment bottle topper created by Sir Perky. It screws on to a variety of standard threaded bottle tops and makes it look like a little person is pooping out whatever is in the bottle. REAL MATURE. It also comes with a tiny butt plug to stop the flow so nothing accidentally leaks out when you don’t want it to. Speaking of– “Just end the article there.” But honey! “I’m afraid I’ll think less of you if you don’t.” Fine — fine. Just for the record I already threw the underwear away though, just don’t go digging too deep in the kitchen trash.