Ready to keep you company whenever you JurASSic Park yourself on the toilet (I’m an idiot and fully aware) to take care of business and do some light Instagram scrolling comes this molded resin velociraptor toilet paper holder. Available on Amazon (affiliate link, also available in t-rex, pic below), this

Because very occasionally wishes really do come true, the WiperTags store on Amazon is selling this Forrest Gump waving decal for rear wipers (affiliate link). It looks like Forrest waving to Lieutenant Dan from his boat, right before jumping overboard out of excitement. Classic Gump! I included the gif from

This is a real stapler in soap created by Etsy seller PalmStoneCreations to look like Dwight’s stapler in Jello from The Office. The soap costs $22, measures approximately 5-inches round 3-inches tall, weighs 1 pound 9-ounces and does not include the plate. Per one very satisfied customer: This. Was. PERFECT!!

Because nothing goes better with coal than a colorless, flavorless candy cane, this is the Bah, Humbug Candy Cane available from Archie McPhee. The 10.25-inch cane weighs 3.1-ounces and is void of “flavor, stripes, and Christmas Spirit.” They cost $4.50 apiece, which is a little bit more than I was

This is the officially licensed Godzilla bust tissue dispenser made by Japanese company Rotary Hero. The box is designed to be displayed vertically, and the tissue next in line for use appears almost as if it’s smoke billowing from Godzilla’s mouth. I like how they spelled out GODZILLA on the

Because what good is Halloween if you can’t trick some treaters, these are the shitake mushroom flavored candy canes made and sold by Archie McPhee ($5.50 for a six-pack, regularly $6.50). Honestly, I’m not sure if I could even identify what shitake tastes like. “What about just shit?” Oh easy,

This is the ~$13 ‘Running Behind’ condiment bottle topper created by Sir Perky. It screws on to a variety of standard threaded bottle tops and makes it look like a little person is pooping out whatever is in the bottle. REAL MATURE. It also comes with a tiny butt plug

this is the Toilet Timer ($15 on Amazon), a five-minute sand hourglass style timer to remind you that you’ve already done enough scrolling on Instagram, it’s time to wipe and get off the pot. Me? I don’t get up until both my legs are painfully numb and I have to