This is a clip from Saturday Night Live in which host Pedro Pascal helps produce a surprisingly high production value HBO trailer for a live action adaptation of Mario Kart in the same vein as The Last Of Us. I get it’s a joke, but I would watch it. Actually, no, I DEMAND that HBO make this a show now. Like I’ve already drafted an online petition and everything. Be the change you wish to see in the world — Gandhi said that. I’m not sure it applies here, but he did say it.

This is some dashcam footage of a motorist in Pahrump (bu bu bum?), Nevada encountering a sandstorm on the road that drops visibility to the point where you wouldn’t even be able to see your own wiener standing at a urinal (let alone the guy’s standing next to you). Never pee in a sandstorm unless you absolutely have to, that’s the lesson here. Trust me — if I couldn’t reach down to my knees and touch it, I would have sworn it must have fallen off on a dune somewhere and rolled away like a tumbleweed.

This is a 12-year timelapse packed into just 7 seconds of four planets orbiting star HR 8799, some 133.3 lightyears (40.9 parsecs, like that’ll make it much more relatable) from earth. HR 8799, located in the constellation of Pegasus, is about 1.5 times as large as our own sun, and nearly 5x as luminous. All four planets orbiting the star are larger than Jupiter, the largest planet in our own solar system. The star system is believed to have formed around 30 million years ago, making it even newer than dinosaur doomsday here on earth. Fascinating. I can’t wait to repeat all this information to my coworkers over cocktails at happy hour and really wow them! Or have them all make excuses to leave early. Fine, but you have to leave right now and I get to finish your drinks.

Bobi, a purebred Rafeiro do Alentejo living in Conqueiros, Portugal, has officially been recognized as the world’s oldest dog ever, currently at 30 years and 228 days as of today, February 3rd, 2023. Damn, I have younger coworkers!

His grand old age has been validated by the Portuguese government’s pet database, which is managed by the National Union of Veterinarians, according to Guinness World Records.

The previous oldest dog ever was Australia’s Bluey, who died in 1939 at the age of 29 years and five months.

Vets say Bobi is doing well for his age, presumably because doing well for your age for a dog at 30 is still being alive at all. I mean that’s like 190+ in human years. Granted I’m over 400, but Guinness refuses to recognize my record for oldest human ever because “undead warlocks aren’t actually human anymore,” which, as much as I hate to admit it and still threatened them with black magic, is a half-valid point.

This is a video of a Costco baker scoring the tops of its loaves of country French bread IN A HURRY. Dude must be late for a date. Or opted to get paid by the loaf instead of hourly. Whatever the case, this guy is quick with those knives. But how is he at five finger fillet? Because *flipping keyboard to pour the blood out* I’m not very good at all.

@photokitchen13 #costco #zatoichi #fourwhitewalls #photokitchen ♬ Last Resort (2020) – Papa Roach

This is a video imagining what the retired Concorde jet’s Mach 2 (twice the speed of sound) cruising speed, or around 1,350MPH, looks like at ground level. It’s definitely fast, but things really don’t go by as quickly as I thought they would. Now what I really need to see is what this looks like leaving the office parking lot on a Friday afternoon, because so far I’ve only been able to get up to 115MPH.