This is a video of a peach rumped monkey (not official name) attempting to use a smartphone that was dropped into the monkey pit at the San Diego Zoo. Hello, Rescue Rangers? Get me out of here! Just kidding, it was probably trying to order some hair-growth serum off Amazon for that ass. Or maybe it just wants to watch two hours of TikTok every night before bed like someone I know. I’m talking about my girlfriend. That said, if this monkey can spend hours at a time sitting on the toilet staring at that thing I think we can confidently announce we’ve found the missing link.

This is a video of truck lover ‘Miche Mike’ driving a truck that’s been jacked up so high he can’t see “any car smaller than a crossover” immediately in front of it, as evidenced by the Corvette visible through the truck’s front camera, but not windshield. For reference, I can barely even see the top of a school bus in front of my truck, but I drive an actual monster truck because what’s a vehicle if not a driveable representation of one’s penis? “He drives an old Explorer that only starts if it’s warm out.” Alright now– “And usually dies before I get where I need to go.” Honey!

@miche_mike #SkipTheRinse #Destinationdepop #andobriago #gahhdemmit #TikTokGGT ♬ Didn't See You There – Red Fox Run

Because there’s a market for absolutely everything, this is the Kickstarter for ‘The Brow’, a pair of $45 sun-shaders that are worn like sunglasses but don’t have any lenses, instead shielding your eyes via little brow-level visors. Where was Oakley on this? These look right up their alley. Obviously, these are perfect for the person who needs eye protection but doesn’t want to wear sunglasses for some unreasonable reason. Or a hat. I mean you don’t want to ruin your hair wearing a hat, do you? Or look ridiculous wearing a visor. Oh….wait.

Keep going for several more shots and their Kickstarter promo video.

This is a video from adventure seeker Lauren Rowe, who recently went parasailing in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and accidentally slipped out of her harness seat and is left dangling with a wedgie that puts the atomic variety to shame. Ouch. Nice view though. At least there’s that. I mean I’m not sure if Lauren was able to enjoy it, but at least we were. I’m referring to the ocean, just so we’re clear — not her butt. My girlfriend sent me this tip, so I didn’t even notice if she had a butt. *shrug* Does she?

@lozzaa92__ Parasailing pro #CloseYourRings #fyp #mexico #cabo #parasailingfail #cabosanlucasmexico ♬ original sound – Lauren Rowe

Thanks again to JustA, who has the only butt in the world as far as I know.

If you thought you had a bad Valentine’s Day, this is some apartment lobby security cam footage of TikTok user chemaelgoofy trying to bring flowers, a balloon, and chocolate covered strawberries into the building, when his balloon gets stuck in the door, and things quickly unravel from there, leaving him with a popped balloon, and both flowers and chocolates on the floor. That sucks. No word how many times he’s managed to bring all the groceries inside in a single trip, but my guess is zero. I don’t know, maybe this is God’s way of telling hom he doesn’t want this relationship to work out. You know, God has sent me similar hints before (I got struck by lightning leaning in for a kiss once).

@chemaelgoofy Original audio (with all the pain and heartache in my voice) for you lovely sadists. Audio original #vday #valentinesday #vdayfail #fail #sadaudio #noooo ♬ original sound – Chema

@chemaelgoofy Valentine’s Day fail #vday #valentinesday #vdayfail ♬ Everybody Hurts – R.E.M.

Keep going for two videos: a shorter cut with original audio, and an extended cut with R.E.M.’s ‘Everybody Hurts’ as the soundtrack.

Thanks to JustA, who got flowers, two cards, AND a necklace for Valentine’s Day. I did good, unlike this guy.

This is a 60-second (almost quadruple the average human’s attention span) sweded remake of Alien, as shot by the filmmakers at Canada’s Folks Films. They did a good job, and I would watch a full-length version if they made one. Granted I wouldn’t pay full ticket price to see it in the theater since it appears to have been made for even less than the cost of a ticket, but if you throw in unlimited popcorn I will bring a garbage bag to take home with me.