Developed by artist and speaker Dries Depoorter, The Flemish Scrollers is a machine learning system that watches live-streams of the Flemish government at work, detecting and identifying officials distracted by their phones (or scrolling on their phones — hence The Flemish Scrollers), and automatically uploads the footage to Twitter with the caption ‘Dear distracted @[politician], pls stay focused!’ Now this — this is a project I can get behind. If only there were repercussions for such distracted politicking. Who watches the Watchmen? A machine learning system apparently. Of course considering any government the Watchmen is incredibly slanderous to the actual Watchmen.

Thanks to my dad, who agrees apparently all it takes to be a successful politician is a willingness to not pay attention. We should run for office!

UPDATE: NO SOUP FOR YOU, already sold out. Check eBay soon if you absolutely must have one.

Because nothing is as comforting on a cold winter’s day than the smell of mom telling you to cook your own damn soup, Campbell’s has teamed up with “Family Experience Company” CAMP to sell two soup-scented candles: Tomato Soup & Grilled Cheese, and Chicken Noodle. Mmmm! The candles will be available for a limited time for $24 apiece through the CAMP website, and 10% of net proceeds will go to nonprofit food bank operator Feeding America, hopefully to feed America with actual food and not candles.

This is the cinematic masterpiece created by TikToker lukedonkin of a baby doll riding a moped repeatedly flipping down flights of stairs, crashing into things, and all around raising heck on the sidewalks of Melbourne, Australia. It’s surprisingly worth a watch, and may very well prove to be the finest piece of cinematic art to emerge from 2022. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the Oscars added a TikTok category this year just to recognize it. We should also send it into space so aliens know we’re a fun-loving species and shouldn’t just be exterminated and our natural resources plundered.

@lukedonkin

pov: baby riding a scooter

♬ original sound – Luke Donkin

Music: like a microwave or successful relationship, I don’t understand how it works. Obviously, when God was handing out musical understanding and skill I must have snuck back into the penis line wearing an eye patch. This is a video of Neil Diamond’s 1969 classic ‘Sweet Caroline’ in a minor key as edited by Oleg Berg (previously: the Village People’s ‘YMCA’). It does not make Caroline sound so sweet, it makes her sound like she’s going to drug you and steal a kidney. Or, as a Youtuber pointed out, a Bond villain. One that James will still have sex with first because that’s just the way he rolls. Now take me for a ride in that Aston Martin of yours, I want to ride the ejector seat into some power lines.

This is a video of and from a robotic spy crab built by the nature photographers at John Downer Productions in order to infiltrate the annual red crab migration on Christmas Island in order to capture some up-close and personal footage. Highlights include a crab trying to cannibalize the robot crab at 1:10, some chain link fence climbing action at 1:15, and a crab not hesitating to eat a friend who got crushed by a car playing real-life Frogger at 3:10. Admittedly, that’s a pretty realistic robot crab. Realistic enough that, yes, if I were a crab they probably would have captured some footage of me having sex with it in this video long before ever making to the sea. “Why walk so far when we can just do it right here?” I imagine crab me asking the crab-bot while secretly melting some butter in the microwave.

Keep going for the video.

This is a video from Twitter user BallyMoran, who identified a famous landmark in London using Google Maps. This is a video of that. I didn’t really feel good about posting it, but I don’t feel good about a lot of things and still do them. That’s just the kind of person I am — a regretful, poor decision maker. If all my friends jumped off a bridge I would totally jump before them, but out of an airplane so I can’t be one-upped.

Spooky pic.twitter.com/DlrXnpavQe

— Taffin (@Ballymoran) January 9, 2022