On a recent visit to South Africa’s Monkeyland sanctuary, Lisa Bosman and family had to duck under a swinging gibbon as it made its way along a rope bridge. That must have been quite the experience. But more importantly, did you see the buns on that ape?! Those are the kind of buns I want. Instead, my butt looks like somebody vacuum sealed leftover cottage cheese. My girlfriend says it’s a great butt, but she also said she loved what I got her for Christmas last year but still hasn’t taken it out of the packaging, so clearly she has no problem lying.

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Thanks to JustA, who agrees if you’re not coming in hot, why bother coming in at all?

Built by inventive digital clock creator Hans Andersson, the Time Twister 5 is a digital time display that rotates its Rubik’s Cube (or Rubik’s Triangular Prism in this case) style pieces to change the time. Would I be proud to display this in my living room? Yes. Of course I’d be even prouder if I was so rich it didn’t matter what time it was. That’s the real dream. The closest I’ve ever come is being unemployed.

Skip to 1:10 to see the big change from 9:59 to 10:00.

This is Uncharted (no, not the video game), a film from Monster Energy (it gives you horns) starring the extreme snowbiking of Cody Matechuk in the fresh powder of British Columbia. If you’re unfamiliar, a snowbike is like a snowmobile version of a dirtbike, much narrower than a traditional snowmobile for easier movement and accessing those hard to reach places. Speaking of hard to reach places — can you scratch my back right in the middle? I’d scratch it myself bear-style on the door jamb but apparently some coworkers thought that was inappropriate for the workplace. “You took your shirt off and swung it around like a lasso.” Shhhhhh — you’re going to make the readers jealous!

Because the best-laid plans of mice and men never accounted for automatic garage doors, this is some home security cam footage of a garage door devouring a Christmas wreath, stripping its ornaments like a wreath-eating Grinch. You’d think the homeowners might have considered this possibility before hanging the wreath. I mean unless that’s my sister’s house, in which case this is the exact sort of decorating foresight I’d expect to see. Cause and effect aren’t her strong suit.

This is a video documenting a Florida woman’s relationship with Toby, a wild toad who has grown to trust her and shows up on her porch to pose for photoshoots with her dollhouse and collection of miniatures. Of course Toby is probably just wondering what the heck he has to do to get kissed already. Me? I would have kissed that toad on DAY ONE. I’m ready for a cursed prince or princess to sweep me off my feet. Or to just lick that toad and trip my face off. Either way, it’ll definitely be a story to tell over Christmas dinner.

Using a “hard to acquire” laser diode (I suspect the black market was heavily involved), Youtuber styropyro went and built what is allegedly the world’s brightest laser pointer. Based on that photo alone, I’m apt to believe him. The green laser is so bright “you need welder’s goggles to be in the same room with it” or risk eye damage. Damn, now that IS bright. Me? I am not that bright. If I were a laser pointer cats wouldn’t even chase me.