This is a video of a piece of steel being formed into a giant glowing coil at a steel mill. Obviously, your first reaction was, “My God I want to play with that Slinky.” And you totally should. Go ahead — pick it up. Speaking of picking things up, I was walking my dogs this morning and had just opened a new roll of dog poop bags and when I bent over to pick up a turd my hand went right through the bottom and I bare-hand clenched that piece of shit in my fist before I could stop. So yeah, that’s how my day is going. My girlfriend said no hugging for three days.

Because even other gigantic assholes doesn’t want more asshole on their hands, this is a compilation video of Vladimir Putin getting snubbed while extending his hand out for handshakes. Can’t say I blame any of them, I wouldn’t shake hands with the turd either. Shoot, I wouldn’t even shake my own penis next to him at a urinal, just piss on his pant leg then steal all the paper towels on my way out.

This is a timelapse video of Tampa Bay authorities dying the Hillsborough River green to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, a tradition and subsequent celebration that’s been on hiatus the past two years due to COVID restrictions. When interviewed about the event by a local news team, I tore my pants off and jumped into the river yelling “CANNONBALL!” with the hopes of transforming into the Incredible Hulk.

Keep going for two videos: the timelapse, and a fifteen minute real-time version in case you’re bored waiting at the doctor’s office.

Thanks to JustA, who agrees there’s going to be a lot of green fish served at local seafood restaurants over the next few weeks.

This is a video of Karin Baumann performing Swan Lake with her chihuahua Joya at the recent Crufts dog show in Birmingham, England. I think I speak for everyone here when I say this performance deserves ALL the best in show ribbons. “There’s only one.” Then take them away from all the previous winners! “You don’t mean that.” I don’t mean that, I love all the dogs. It’s humans that should really be ground up and made into puppy treats. *rattling prison bars* I JUST DUG THEM UP, I DIDN’T KILL THEM.

Keep going for two videos: a shorter close-up version of just the highlights, and a video of the whole performance filmed from a mile away in the audience.

This is some home security cam footage from Old MacDonald’s place of a goat that knows how to open doors opening the front door so he and his other goat, chicken, and alpaca friends can head inside to break stuff and eat all the houseplants and poop everywhere. My kind of party!

Ever wonder what a piano would sound like if its soundboard was completely submerged in water? Well you’re in luck, because Youtuber/piano sadist Mattias Krantz does just that in this video, which may also double as a long-form commercial for Flex Seal. The piano sounds completely different depending on whether Mattias has the regular mics or underwater mics turned on to record the instrument, which makes sense considering sound travels more than 4X faster in water than air (~1,480m/s vs 343m/s). Of course I expected this having already performed my own acoustic experiments in a neighbor’s pool farting.