Take a trip in my time machine to 1992, when Hasbro Flirt Squirts commercials aired on television, trying to convince girls to secretly spray their friends with water guns disguised as a calculator, candy, nail polish, lipstick, portable cassette player, and sunglasses. Those were different times, weren’t they? I can’t even imagine how much coke it took to come up with and market these, but even a dozen Cocaine Bears wouldn’t have stood a chance.

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Nature: it’s brutal. Just take my life for example. It’s amazing I’m still alive. *shaking fist at the heavens* Is that all you’ve got?! This is a clip from the BBC’s Blue Planet II, featuring David Attenborough narrating the journey of a group of Sally Lightfoot Crabs on their way to their algae feeding grounds. The 100-meter trip along the Brazilian coast involves repeatedly jumping from rock to rock (I did not know crabs could jump like that) and scurrying across the water while doing their best to avoid hungry chain moray eels and octopuses along the way. Damn! And all for some algae?! I wouldn’t run that gauntlet for anything less than a cheeseburger.

This is a video of Round Table, a kinetic sculpture created by South Korean artist U-ram Choe, where 18-headless straw figures appear to squat and stand to balance a single rubber band “head” on the table atop their backs, and prevent it from rolling off. Wow. Wow wow wow. This piece really spoke to me. “About necromancing decapitated enemies back to life to do your bidding?” It spoke to you too!

This is a video of mathematician Ashley Christine (aka Modern Day Eratosthenes) explaining why wormhole style teleportation would be much preferred to Star Trek style beaming, although we’re technologically closer to the beaming. Basically, Star Trek teleportation involves scanning a body, disintegrating it, then reassembling it somewhere else with the data, leading to ethical questions as to whether it’s actually still you that appears on the other side, or just a clone of you, and did you die? And that’s not even taking into consideration technological malfunction! *gets beamed up* Now maybe this is just my clone brain talking, but I swear my penis was bigger before. And it definitely wasn’t on the side of my head.

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This is a video of feline Jade pulling a Gandalf and not letting her little sister ZuZu pass through the tunnel connecting their outdoor playhouse with the actual house. Cats, am I right? They can be jerks. Or maybe just lazy. Or, even more likely, lazy jerks. I see a lot of myself in cats.

This is a video of a mom filming her son competing in a swim meet and completely losing awareness of where she’s at and falling in the pool. Or maybe she was trying to distract the judges from that bootleg version of the breaststroke he was doing. One kick per stroke, and no flutter kicking! Still, as if having to wear a Speedo at that age wasn’t already embarrassing enough, now your mom is falling in the pool! “They’re not wearing Speedos.” Well I had to wear a Speedo, and it was embarrassing. Mostly for the other boys.

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Thanks to JustA, who agrees the mom should have just started swimming and played it off like she was part of the race.