This is a video showing how a Akshaya Patra Foundation food kitchen in Bangalore, India prepares some 75,000 school meals for children in the span of four hours. The Foundation has over 65 kitchens in the country, producing over 2,000,000 meals daily. Wow! And apparently, just like the square pizza and cinnamon rolls they served on Fridays at my middle school, the food is delicious. Per one student: “Like my grandma makes…It’s good and tasty. That’s why I like it.” Damn — GRANDMA QUALITY. You can’t get much higher praise than that.

Because now is as good a time as any for the apocalypse, this is the 2023 Cat Balls wall calendar. A real product you can buy on Amazon (affiliate link), the calendar features 12 months of, you guessed it, cat balls. If weird cat balls aren’t your thing though, no worries, it looks like it also doubles as a cat butthole calendar. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a time machine, the dinosaurs, and a meteor.

Thanks, but also no thanks really, to Marcy for the heads (tails?) up.

This is a video of a person buying and taste-testing different cakes-in-a-can from a vending machine in Japan. Even as a cake aficionado (caker), those cakes look GOOD. I like how they’re served in transparent cans too so you can actually see what’s inside. Here in the U.S. they would not use clear cans because the manufacturer doesn’t want to know how terrible it looks and how badly they’re ripping you off. I didn’t even taste a single strawberry! Just a mouthful of artificially flavored high fructose corn syrup.

Because who doesn’t want to be strapped to a tree with their pants around their ankles trying to poop when a bear attacks, the Krapp Strapp is a tool to help you poop with ease in the great outdoors. The strap attaches to a tree, with a back pad you can lean against so you don’t poop on your ankles like your normally would. I like how they gave the mannequin cool guy shades, like anybody looks cool pooping in the woods. The strap also has two pockets for holding toilet paper and bear spray. Me? I don’t a special harness to poop in the woods (which yes, will make a noise even if nobody is around to hear it — it may shake the ground a little too), I can poop pretty much anywhere. In my pants? I did over the weekend! Now who’s the real outdoorsman?

Because this is the internet and the internet is full of weird hidden gems, here’s a video of a woman demonstrating how she thinks different pastas, cheeses, and breads would walk if they were human. And I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone here when I say thank God they aren’t human, because there are already enough crazy people in the world. Also thank God drinkable yogurt and cereal aren’t human, or I’d be king of the cannibals.

Because Elon Musk loves firing people, Youtuber Marc Radinovic created a flamethrower security system in the form of an Elon Musk portrait. The system includes facial recognition that lets Marc pass by unscathed, but blasts any unrecognized faces with flames. Yikes. And by yikes I mean I must have one of these for my own home. Except instead of Elon Musk I want it to be Trogdor the Burninator, and I want it to shoot flames at me too to keep me on my toes when I’m my way for a midnight snack. I also want some spike walks and poison dart launchers. How rewarding that cold Pop-Tart will be!

Thanks to my dad, who agrees is any home security system that does’t involve a flamethrower really worth the investment?