Because who doesn’t want to be strapped to a tree with their pants around their ankles trying to poop when a bear attacks, the Krapp Strapp is a tool to help you poop with ease in the great outdoors. The strap attaches to a tree, with a back pad you can lean against so you don’t poop on your ankles like your normally would. I like how they gave the mannequin cool guy shades, like anybody looks cool pooping in the woods. The strap also has two pockets for holding toilet paper and bear spray. Me? I don’t a special harness to poop in the woods (which yes, will make a noise even if nobody is around to hear it — it may shake the ground a little too), I can poop pretty much anywhere. In my pants? I did over the weekend! Now who’s the real outdoorsman?

Because this is the internet and the internet is full of weird hidden gems, here’s a video of a woman demonstrating how she thinks different pastas, cheeses, and breads would walk if they were human. And I’m pretty sure I speak for everyone here when I say thank God they aren’t human, because there are already enough crazy people in the world. Also thank God drinkable yogurt and cereal aren’t human, or I’d be king of the cannibals.

Because Elon Musk loves firing people, Youtuber Marc Radinovic created a flamethrower security system in the form of an Elon Musk portrait. The system includes facial recognition that lets Marc pass by unscathed, but blasts any unrecognized faces with flames. Yikes. And by yikes I mean I must have one of these for my own home. Except instead of Elon Musk I want it to be Trogdor the Burninator, and I want it to shoot flames at me too to keep me on my toes when I’m my way for a midnight snack. I also want some spike walks and poison dart launchers. How rewarding that cold Pop-Tart will be!

Thanks to my dad, who agrees is any home security system that does’t involve a flamethrower really worth the investment?

Because who doesn’t like pretending they’re a Wookie (besides, I’ve found out, a certain girlfriend while fooling around), there’s the Chewbelta (Amazon link), an unlicensed (why would you bother?) seatbelt cover that looks like Chewbacca’s bandolier. Obviously, if you get pulled over for speeding and the officer doesn’t ask for your nerd license and just how fast you were trying to make the Kessel Run, you should’t be allowed to get a ticket. Also, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re not going to make loud Wookie sounds at other drivers at stop lights, just save your money.

A recent study conducted by researchers at the University of Sydney has found that octopuses will intentionally throw shells and other seafloor debris at one another, with about 66% of the throwing activity performed by females, and often aimed at males who are harassing them. “Piss off times eight, loser!” I imagine a lady octopi thinking while trying to hit an offending male in the head with one of Ariel’s thingamabobs.

Because if there’s a chance it might make a dollar, you should manufacture it, there’s a Cthulhu Chia Pet. Available on Amazon (affiliate link), it looks like the lovechild of a Predator, Davy Jones from Pirates of The Caribbean, and Bob Ross. Now that’s a freaky-deaky love triangle if I’ve ever seen one. Granted not the freakiest, but I’ve really gotta stop going to those Eyes Wide Shut orgies.