Because experimentation is the mother of the mother of invention, this is a video of musician BERNTH filling his acoustic guitar with water to record a new track appropriately titled ‘Waterworks’. Granted I would have called it ‘Soggy Bottom Blues,’ but that’s just me and I know how to produce a hit. Every song you’ve ever heard on the radio in the past 30 years? Either me or Rick Rubin.

Because under the sea is the place to be if you’re freaky deaky, this is a video of photographer and Andrea Humphreys getting hugged and kissed by a giant Pacific octopus while exploring the Campbell River in Vancouver, British Columbia. In her own words, which yes, do involve suckers on her lips and an octopus hickey:

I lost track at 6 times of it coming to engage with me! On my camera, on my body with tentacles and suckers on my lips (yes I did end up with an octopus hickey!!). You can hear my squeals of excitement and amazement! A once in a lifetime moment and I feel so blessed that this amazing creature gave me the opportunity to have this encounter.

Ummmm…what? Six times?! That was a serious makeout session. Now I’m no expert on anything, but I’m getting an off-the-charts reading from my freaky-deaky meter, and I just replaced the batteries so I know it’s accurate. Do you think the octopus also whispered the location of Atlantis in her ear? Because I’d tongue-kiss Ursula for that info. Also: jetpacks for legs.

This is a video showing how a Akshaya Patra Foundation food kitchen in Bangalore, India prepares some 75,000 school meals for children in the span of four hours. The Foundation has over 65 kitchens in the country, producing over 2,000,000 meals daily. Wow! And apparently, just like the square pizza and cinnamon rolls they served on Fridays at my middle school, the food is delicious. Per one student: “Like my grandma makes…It’s good and tasty. That’s why I like it.” Damn — GRANDMA QUALITY. You can’t get much higher praise than that.

Because now is as good a time as any for the apocalypse, this is the 2023 Cat Balls wall calendar. A real product you can buy on Amazon (affiliate link), the calendar features 12 months of, you guessed it, cat balls. If weird cat balls aren’t your thing though, no worries, it looks like it also doubles as a cat butthole calendar. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a time machine, the dinosaurs, and a meteor.

Thanks, but also no thanks really, to Marcy for the heads (tails?) up.

This is a video of a person buying and taste-testing different cakes-in-a-can from a vending machine in Japan. Even as a cake aficionado (caker), those cakes look GOOD. I like how they’re served in transparent cans too so you can actually see what’s inside. Here in the U.S. they would not use clear cans because the manufacturer doesn’t want to know how terrible it looks and how badly they’re ripping you off. I didn’t even taste a single strawberry! Just a mouthful of artificially flavored high fructose corn syrup.

Because who doesn’t want to be strapped to a tree with their pants around their ankles trying to poop when a bear attacks, the Krapp Strapp is a tool to help you poop with ease in the great outdoors. The strap attaches to a tree, with a back pad you can lean against so you don’t poop on your ankles like your normally would. I like how they gave the mannequin cool guy shades, like anybody looks cool pooping in the woods. The strap also has two pockets for holding toilet paper and bear spray. Me? I don’t a special harness to poop in the woods (which yes, will make a noise even if nobody is around to hear it — it may shake the ground a little too), I can poop pretty much anywhere. In my pants? I did over the weekend! Now who’s the real outdoorsman?