Note: Volume ON, commentary is value-add (“Holy balls on a butt, and a fart, and a hol-y good snot.”)

This is a video from Youtuber thebachelorsfridge experimenting to see if a sparkler will burn all the way through a raw egg he’s poked it in, and sealed the entry and exit holes with wax. Honestly, I’m surprised thebachelorsfridge even had a raw egg, because my bachelorsfridge was always empty. So, will it burn all the way through? THE RESULTS MAY SURPRISE YOU. Unless you saw the screecaps above and realized, yes, it does, which you probably did. I really need to work on my big reveal.

Thanks, again to JustA, who, for another three tips in a day, has earned her millionth gold star sticker AND A SCHOLASTIC BOOK FAIR PIZZA PARTY FOR HER WHOLE CLASS.

This is a video from TikTok user malachichiparker, who spotted a turtle in the road and got out of his vehicle to get it to move — and move it did! That thing leaves a dust trail and catches some air on the rocks! If the tortoise had this sort of speed it could have given the hare a run for its money even without the hare stopping for a nap. The tortoise doesn’t have this sort of speed though, which is why it had to resort to spiking the hare’s Gatorade with Ambien.

@malachichiparker Speedy turtle #turtle #alatoonalake ♬ original sound – Malachi CHi Parker

Note: Video HERE in case the embed doesn’t work for you, Zombie Jonathan.

Thanks again to JustA, who calls me her turtle sometimes, presumably because I’m slow.

This is a video of a drunk man at a wedding reception dancing with a sparkler then dry humping his partner and setting a dry flower display on fire in the process. He then proceeds to wipe the fire off the barrel with the sleeve of his suit jacket, and stomp it out, before continuing his dance and getting reprimanded by who I assume is his daughter. “I did it for the Tok!” I imagine him trying to explain with flammable breath.

Thanks to my dad, who agrees Smokey probably doesn’t know how to feel about this.

This is a video of TikTok user mamaluc_ and her brother showing off their mom’s insane Yeti mug collection. Now that — that is entirely too many Yetis for someone who doesn’t get paid in Yetis instead of money. Where does she even store them all?! *kicking self* If only I’d bought Yeti stock before this woman discovered them!

@mamaluc_ @YETI my moms your biggest fan #yeti #yeticooler #yeticup ♬ original sound – Lucia

Note: Video HERE in case your browser doesn’t want you starting your own collection.

Thanks to JustA, who agrees nobody needs a different mug for every day of the year.

This is a video captured by an unmanned submersible operated by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) Ocean Exploration team featuring a whiplash squid swimming in ‘marine snow’ at a depth of around 1,100 meters (3,609-feet, about 7/10ths of a mile). It’s not actually snow though, it’s delicious, nutritious debris making its way to the ocean floor from the surface. Mmmmm! If I was a shrimp I’d be stoked about the all-you-can-eat-buffet raining down on me right now. I’m not a shrimp though. You see the squid’s two long appendages? Well they’re not actually whips, THOSE ARE ITS PENISES. Just kidding, that would be wild though. *spots Mother Nature scribbling ‘whip penises’ in her design notebook* Oh no you don’t!

This is a video of pastry chef and chocolatier Amaury Guichon crafting a giant wall-mounted dragon head trophy entirely out of chocolate. First, he created a giant chocolate penis, then he works that johnson into a dragon’s head! Simple really. I mean I couldn’t do it, but only because I would eat all the chocolate before I even crafted the basic penis. TRUE STORY: whenever I make cookies I don’t even bother getting a pan out because there’s never any dough left to bake.