This is a video of parkour athlete Nico Fischer demonstrating his skills by repeatedly (and smoothly) jump-climbing up and down two parallel walls without touching the ground. His friend Aziz gave him the nickname ‘Elevator-Man’, which I’m adding to my list of blackballed houseguests. I made the mistake of letting another parkour friend come over once and he tore off my shower curtain rod and broke my hamper. You said you just had to pee, bro!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Nico | Parkour • Lifestyle • Training 🤩✌🏼 (@nicolasfischertf)

These are several videos of the appropriately named Youtuber Speedbag Bard demonstrating his ability to punch a speed bag to the beats of various songs. Included below are ‘Feel Good Inc’ by Gorillaz, Post Malone’s ‘Sunflower’, Survivor’s ‘Eye Of The Tiger’, and Sisqo’s ‘Thong Song’. Dude is smooth, working the bag with both side of his fists AND throwing some elbows in the mix. It’s just a good thing his elbows aren’t as pointy as my girlfriend’s or he would have popped that bag. “Speed bags aren’t poppable.” You haven’t seen her elbows!

This is a video of a woman making the mistake of stepping on a convertible sleeper sofa while making it for a coworker and getting swallowed up by the thing. Why was the person filming — did they know this was going to happen? Regardless, she proceeds to laugh (along with the person filming, who does some solid snorting as well) from inside the belly of the beast, something I can’t imagine Jonah doing much of after getting swallowed by that whale. Me? I’m not sitting around in a whale for three days praying, I would have climbed right out of that sucker. “Mouth or butthole?” BLOWHOLE.

This is a video of Youtuber and “science dude” Joe Myheck making a mermaid crown by pouring molten Nordic gold (a gold-colored alloy of copper, aluminum, zinc, and tin) into a trash can filled with Orbeez beads. The result is beautiful, and there’s no doubt in my mind that crown would get a special shelf in Ariel’s grotto. She loves stuff made on dry land.

This is a hype video from the Invisibility Shield Company highlighting the second generation of their invisibility shield, and offering it for sale on Kickstarter. The shield, while not perfect, does provide an impressive amount of invisibility immediately behind it. And right now you can get a 40″ x 28″ shield for around $378, or a massive 72″ x 48″ for $883. The shield works by bending the light behind it, so objects directly behind appear invisible, and objects further in the background appear as blurry representations of themselves. Not bad, and the price isn’t terrible, especially if you consider it an investment in bank robbing.

Because a first day on the job is always chockfull of pitfalls, this is a video of a man tripping down the stairs and accidentally pulling the fire alarm on his first day at a new gig. Those fire doors shut QUICK. I doubt he was fired for the incident, but I can’t imagine him being fast-tracked for a corner office either. “Kid’s a liability,” I imagine his boss noting while putting his file in the “Never to be promoted” pile.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by @tornankles

Thanks to JustA, who agrees stairs can be tricky.