This is a video documenting a Florida woman’s relationship with Toby, a wild toad who has grown to trust her and shows up on her porch to pose for photoshoots with her dollhouse and collection of miniatures. Of course Toby is probably just wondering what the heck he has to do to get kissed already. Me? I would have kissed that toad on DAY ONE. I’m ready for a cursed prince or princess to sweep me off my feet. Or to just lick that toad and trip my face off. Either way, it’ll definitely be a story to tell over Christmas dinner.

Using a “hard to acquire” laser diode (I suspect the black market was heavily involved), Youtuber styropyro went and built what is allegedly the world’s brightest laser pointer. Based on that photo alone, I’m apt to believe him. The green laser is so bright “you need welder’s goggles to be in the same room with it” or risk eye damage. Damn, now that IS bright. Me? I am not that bright. If I were a laser pointer cats wouldn’t even chase me.

Taken by astronauts Eugene “Gene” Cernan, Ronald Evans and Harrison Schmitt on their way to the moon on December 7th, 1972, The Blue Marble depicts earth as viewed from some 23,000 miles away, and just celebrated its 50th birthday yesterday. What a photo! And they captured it from just the right angle to view its entire flatness as a perfect circle! From any other angle the world would have made its flatness known. I’m kidding, I know the world isn’t flat — I performed my own experiments as a kid. Mostly digging a deep hole and never coming out the other side. I did bury a time capsule though. Then dug it up a few days later because I missed my Ninja Turtles. Science!

Thanks again to my dad, who’s currently sending tips from downstairs while I write the articles upstairs. Teamwork!

Because cargo shorts never went out of style (despite what everyone who sees me wearing them says — carpenter pants too), Hot Pockets has created a pair of shorts with an insulated hot pocket for keeping your Hot Pocket nice and toasty. Obviously, XZibit is into this. Hot Pockets, best known for melting the inside of my mouth on countless late Friday and Saturday nights, teamed up with the Columbus Fashion Alliance to make the shorts, which feature a cold pocket on one side, and a hot pocket on the other. There is no warm pocket in the middle, just your privates. The shorts will launch soon in their online store, and are sure to sell like hot cakes. Or, in this case, pockets. Still, I can’t say I’m thrilled about the idea of molten marinara sauce so close to my meatballs.

Thanks to my buddy ClosetNerd, who agrees Hot Pockets might actually be on to something here if those pockets could also fit pizza slices and tacos.

Jonathan the tortoise, who’s lived at the governor’s residence on St. Helena (1,200 miles off the southwestern coast of Africa in the middle of vast ocean) since 1882, just celebrated what is believed to be his 190th birthday — although he could be even older. Honestly, he doesn’t look a day over 140 to me. His estimated age is based on records indicating he was fully mature when he was gifted to the St. Helena governor in 1882, and, I don’t know if you knew this or not, but tortoises take quite some time to mature. Me? I may never reach maturity. Young at heart — that’s what I say. Young at brain — that’s what everyone else says.

Thanks to my dad, who agrees Jonathan is a great name for a son or tortoise.

Because you have to go big if you want Santa to notice your house from the sky, Youtuber Yard Truck built this floating truck Christmas lights display, complete with the Grinch’s Chevy S-10 being pulled by a reindeer atop a John Deere. The truck rocks from side to side too thanks to a repurposed banding machine. At night both vehicles appear to be floating. During the day both appear are held up by a Mickey Moused assortment of scrap metal and tetanus, and I did not ask for lockjaw this Christmas.