In surprisingly not April Fool’s Day news, Miller Lite released a line of bar smell inspired candles (pre-orders currently sold out), with all sale proceeds going to the US Bartenders’ Guild Foundation, which “empowers bartenders to take charge of their careers through peer-to-peer learning, expert instruction, and service projects.” The Miller Lite Bar Smells candles have an average 50-hour burn time and come in three scents: Dive Bar, Game Day Bar, and Beer Garden, and if Dive Bar doesn’t smell like urine I’m calling shenanigans. I’m also calling my state representative to see if there’s any legal action I can take against the swill manufacturer. “But you’re drinking a Miller Lite right now.” I’m gathering evidence for the investigation!

Keep going for a shot of each candle and what they’re supposed to smell like, which do not smell like any bars I’ve ever been to.

Thanks again to my buddy Closet Nerd, who agrees Dive Bar should at least have the faint odor of one out-of-order bathroom.