Presumably to celebrate my birthday over the weekend, this is a video of an elderly woman having her first hands-on experience with a Roman candle. She appears to be continually shocked whenever another shot is fired. Admittedly, it is always a little surprising. Unfortunately she did not seem to enjoy herself, and says the experience was awful at the very end of the video. Hey, fireworks aren’t for everybody. And they aren’t for anybody’s butt. This has been a public service announcement.

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— DJ Kam Bennett (@KameronBennett) August 11, 2022

Well, I’ve done it — against all odds (and bets against me), I managed to get my ticket punched for another trip around the sun. It hasn’t always been easy, yet here I am. *shaking fist at heaven* IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT?! It’s my birthday today and I’m at the beach celebrating. Unfortunately, my OnlyFans was banned for being unfair to other male content creators, but if you really want to get me something feel free to send some space bucks my way through Venmo or PayPal ([email protected]). Thank you all for the support over the past year, it was certainly a doozy, but I can honestly say I feel the best I have in twenty years, which is a trip because I’d just come to accept feeling like life was dumpster fire speeding down a hill was going to to be the norm. Seriously, thank you all, from the very bottom of my partially crystalized, undead warlock heart.

The 80’s: I was born in them. And to celebrate my birthday tomorrow (I’m going to be older than whatever came before dirt, unless you’re older than me, in which we’re still spring chickens, 120 is the new 30!), here’s a video of a bunch of tasty 80’s jams (including television and movie themes) performed on a variety of different synthesizers. It’s the perfect weekend playlist! I mean unless you hate the 80’s and synthesizers, in which case what’s wrong with you? This is the kind of music robots listen when they make love. Or at least that’s what the guy at the music store told me, and if you can’t trust a man who spends all day around instruments but plays ‘Stairway To Heaven’ like it’s the first time he’s ever held a guitar, who can you trust?

This is a video of a proud new motorcycle owner putting the bike through its paces with a classic wall crash test. Thank goodness he was wearing his helmet. Some more info about the incident while I wonder how much the IIHS paid him to administer this test:

This guy had just brought his first motorbike home but things quickly went awry when he tried to ride over the curb in front of his driveway. He accidentally gave full throttle on the bike, making it leap forward and crash into the wall of his house. Unfortunately, he seemed to have hit his knee on the wall and as he fell down, he held it tightly and yelled out in pain Luckily, his mom was at the scene to help him.

That sucks. Could have been worse though, at least he has that to be thankful for. When my life’s in the crapper, I’m always just thankful it isn’t worse. Then it gets worse, and I’m thankful it isn’t even worse than that, until it is. Then just when I finally think I’ve hit rock bottom, even that floor collapses. I’m a positive guy.

This is an edit of Simon & Garfunkel’s classic ‘The Sound Of Silence’, but with the harmonies replaced with their mirror images (negative harmonies), for a different feel. That’s cool, but I’m partial to the original — it’s a great song to listen to when I’m brooding. Dammit, it’s just me against the world, and I’m f***ing losing!

Keep going for this version, as well as the original for reference.

This is a video of filthy liar/cheater Cody Miller attempting to replicate a Halo: Combat Evolved speedrun he posted online (years later revealed to have been a bunch of individual videos spliced together) as part of a 2011 Games Done Quick charity marathon. In the video he’s attempting to complete the game on Legendary difficulty with a finish time of around 2 hours, but eventually has to turn the difficulty down and still finishes in over four hours. The whole thing (which has been edited to 20 minutes) is painfully embarrassing to watch. Wow! This has been a PSA reminding you to not be a Cody Miller.