This is some footage from the 2017 Iowa State Fair’s husband calling contest, in which wives compete by calling their husbands. Not on the phone, mind you — by yelling. The winner takes home a ribbon, five bucks, but, most importantly, bragging rights, which are invaluable. I may not have any money, but at least I can brag about how smart and handsome I am. They’re lies, of course, but that doesn’t stop me. Now that I think about it, I suppose I might as well brag about high rich I am too. I’m filthy rich. Like as filthy as my girlfriend’s feet because she never wears socks. Honey you better wash those hooves before getting into bed!