This is a video of turtle owner Kenny James giving his turtle Sergio a little Hot Wheels car to sit on so he can zoom around the house at breakneck speeds. “Dammit, where was one of those little cars when I needed it?” I imagine Tortoise wondering after his race with the hare, “I had to do a bunch a meth instead.” Wait, what?! “Thank God they didn’t drug test.” You’re breaking Zombie Jonathan’s heart, Tortoise!

@kenny_james16 Pool cleaning day.. 💚🐢🏎…. #sergioturtle #zoomzoom ♬ Jackass – TV Theme Players

Thanks to JustA, who agrees everybody deserves to experience the zoomies.