Dammit, how come I couldn't have been a hunk?
The Wait Is Over: The World’s First Professional Beard Straightener

This is the $120 Aberlite Pro Professional Beard and Hair Straightener, what’s being advertised as the world’s first professional beard straightener. *checking cobwebs in wallet* Cool, cool, but what if I told you I’ll have to take my chances with an unprofessional beard straightener? The Aberlite Pro uses a comb with headed bristle bases (and eight temperature settings) to help straighten unruly beards so you’re more aerodynamic when being shot out of a cannon. Me? I just use my girlfriend’s hair straightener. Granted I’ve burned my face so many times I can’t even grow a beard in places, but I also never had to shell out $120. “You know they also sell a smaller version for only $50.” Oh sure *gluing shaved chest hair to face* NOW you tell me. “Is that even your own chest hair?” What’s it matter?!

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Keep going for a promotional video from their recently funded Kickstarter campaign.

Thanks to Charlie H, who agrees the best beard straightener of all remains a razor.